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Tell It to the Marines (TV series episode)
Tell It to the Marines was the 8th episode of Season 9 of the CBS-TV series M*A*S*H, also the 206th overall series episode, Written by Hank Bradford and directed by Harry Morgan, it originally aired on January 12, 1981. Synopsis B.J. and Hawkeye try to get a compassionate discharge for an immigrant Marine whose mother is being deported before he can get home. Winchester becomes CO for a few days, using his new position to get himself silk sheets and other "basic necessities of life". Full episode summary With Col. Potter in Tokyo for a conference, Winchester is left in command of the 4077th, and he immediately puts Klinger to work as his own personal attache, having him trade for all sorts of fineries including Wagner records and silk sheets. Meanwhile, Hawkeye meets Private Jost Van Liter, a wounded Marine and company point man with two Purple Hearts and two Bronze Stars (and also a Dutch immigrant whose mother married an American). Van Liter tells Hawkeye that his mother, who just divorced his father, is about to be deported back to Holland. Van Liter is trying to get discharged a week early so he can at least see his mother in San Francisco before she is forced to leave. He asked his CO, who told him to talk to the Red Cross, but they only reverted Van Liter back to his CO. With nobody else to turn to, Van Liter told Margaret and Father Mulcahy his problem, and then told Hawkeye, who decides to help. He makes a call to Lt. Col. Mulholland, Van Liter's superior and CO of the 1st Marine Division, but Mulholland has zero sympathy for Van Liter, calling him a "pantywaist". His only concern is when Van Liter is coming back to duty; he refuses to listen to Hawkeye's plea and hangs up on him. Hawkeye then decides to write a story about Van Liter's problem for Stars & Stripes, and with Klinger's help writes a florid piece of propaganda, full of alliteration. But Mulholland gets wind of the story and sends two of his MPs to arrest Hawkeye; they drag him to Marine HQ, where Mulholland informs him that he ordered the story killed, and that he still will not let Van Liter out early. He then smugly tells Hawkeye, "There's not thing one you can do about it." Hawkeye is furious that Mulholland can block every military press channel, but then B.J. suggests that Hawkeye should go to the civilian press instead, which Mulholland can't touch. Hawkeye and B.J. go to the press train at Munsan where they meet Murray Thompson, a reporter who is sympathetic to the situation and willing to write the story properly and put it in the paper. Back in camp, they tell Van Liter that the story has been picked up by every major newspaper on the West Coast, and then point out to him that once people hear about his plight, they'll rally to do something about it, but B.J. and Hawkeye quietly wonder if they have promised too much. Col. Potter returns to camp to find Klinger hard at work ironing Charles' dress uniform, while classical music pours from the Col.'s office. Potter takes Charles his clothes and, standing behind him, helps him dress and listens to the Major insult him and his command. Charles is shocked to see the Col. when he turns around, and relieved of his command--and his trousers. Later, Col. Potter is with Hawkeye and B.J. in the Mess Tent when Mulholland, with his MPs, arrives with a full head of steam. He holds Hawkeye responsible for the story, which Hawkeye gladly accepts, and then promises that Van Liter is in for a hard three weeks when he gets him back. Then and there, Hawkeye and B.J. tell Mulholland that Van Liter has come down with the "21-day flu", and will need three weeks to recover. Mulholland refuses to believe it, but when Potter backs up their words (and pulls rank), Mulholland gives in, snidely remarking on how "You doctors always stick up for one another, don't you?", to which Hawkeye, using Mulholland's own words against him, replies, "There's not thing one you can do about it". Mulholland leaves, but not before one more sadistic parting shot to Hawkeye, saying that Van Liter still won't get home in time "to kiss his mommy goodbye!" But a few days later, good news arrives: Murray Thompson calls Hawkeye and informs him that the Dutch Consul General in San Francisco has read the story and hired Van Liter's mother as a secretary, giving her diplomatic immunity; in other words, she can't be deported, and will still be in San Francisco when Van Liter returns home. Van Liter is overjoyed, thanking everyone for their kindness, Hawkeye most of all. In the final scene, Klinger tries another Section 8 scheme by telling Col. Potter his parents are getting divorced and his mother is being deported back to Lebanon, and he must get home to see here ASAP. Col. Potter decides to humor him, and summons his new "boy" to fetch the paperwork--namely, Charles. Research notes/Fun facts * The actor playing gung-ho, "meat and potatoes" Col. Mulholland, Michael McGuire, also played the uber-snob Prof. Sumner Sloan on Cheers, about as different a role from this one as possible. * When Mulholland shakes the newspaper in Hawkeye's face and says "What the hell is this?" Hawkeye replies, "It's black and white, and red all over. It's either a newspaper or a sun'tanned' zebra." He misquoted the old joke, however: It should be "sun'burned' zebra" (a sunburn makes you red, not a tan). * When Col. Potter returns to camp, he finds Klinger ironing Winchester's dress uniform. No reason is given as to why he chose to wear it, but the green t-shirt we see him in wouldn't go with it. Guest stars/recurring cast *Michael McGuire as Col. Mulholland *Stan Wells as Private Jost Van Liter *James Gallery as Murray Thompson *Denny Miller as M.P. *Uncredited appearances: **Kellye Nakahara **Shari Saba - O.R. and post op at the beginning Category:Season 9 episodes